“You’re always with Joseph.” “You spend so much time with Joseph.” “So is it just you coming, or is Joseph coming too?”
Uh. No. Don’t be thinking that I spend too much time with my significant other, because while I admit that I DO spend a lot of time with him, he does not take up my entire life. So. Three things.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??????
Not enough, if that is how one may feel about me! I am probably one of the most independent people you may know. I can live without Joseph. And to be frank, I could live without each and every one of my friends. I’m not saying that I would leave them, because I wouldn’t. I’m just saying I don’t NEED friends. I just choose to have these people in my life. I just choose to care about them.
I’ve already been through one of the toughest experiences and an important lesson in my life when I was 18. I made myself disappear from everyone I had known. Why? Because at the time, each one of them had really hurt me in some way. And I realized that the hurt I was feeling, were valid feelings. I needed to do what was right for me. I needed to heal. I needed to learn and understand my self-worth.
I spent 2 years of my life having my family, my education and my job as my friends. Yes, it hurt a lot at first. Yes, it was very lonely. Yes, it affected the way I viewed relationships. But I wasn’t hurting anybody and nobody was hurting me. I learnt how to deal with things alone. I learnt how to be a stronger person alone. And I found the kind of hobbies, experiences and the things that made me truly happy.
So while I do spend most of my time with Joseph, I would live perfectly fine without him. Yes, it would hurt to lose him. But my world wouldn’t end.
Second of all… Unfortunately, he’s the only person I can tolerate having in my life so often other than my own family. And sometimes I can’t even handle spending so much time with him! There are times where I just need to be alone and have time away from him and everyone else. So I can recharge myself. So I can stay happy.
So if I’m not hanging out with you, or anyone else, it’s because I don’t want to hang out with anyone in general.
Most times I go out for the night because it’s a group gathering or a celebration of some sort. But that forces me to use up my energy to go.
Which allows me come down to my third point… the world is (mostly) an unfair, presumptuous and somewhat cruel place. There’s a reason why, even if I try to become close with newfound friends, I can’t fully let them in. My energy is so limited. I’m always feeling exhausted. It takes up a large portion of my tolerance and strength to give my attention towards friends. Most days I want to lie in bed. Or watch movies on Netflix and YouTube videos. Or just do activities on my own.
Although it seems like all I do is hang out with Joe, and it may feel like I can’t hang out without him, the only person who knows the truth is me.
Depression is a hard illness to overcome. Even with so many people surrounding me with love and support, I still feel the need to disengage myself from everyone. The only people right now that I can allow myself to be around is Joe and my family. Joe is the biggest support I have when it comes down to my emotions and that’s something I’m overwhelming grateful for. But I don’t think people would view it that way. I don’t think people would truly understand unless it was addressed from my mouth.
I’m so paranoid that this is what goes through my friends’ minds about me. Maybe not. Maybe they do think like that. Who knows? But when I am not with friends, I am not always with him. And I hope that the people I am friends with are not as judgmental about others as what I worry they could be.