This is not a happy blog. This is a sad one. An emotional, personal one. Writing is the only way I can make myself feel right again. It has always been one of my go-to things.
How do you handle your stress? How do you control your anger? I don’t know how to control mine anymore. Everything makes me mad. Everything makes me upset. I used to bottle my feelings up so much whenever I got upset. I never really used to say anything. Now I actually yell, I argue, I fight, I’m verbal. I actually express myself. It’s like I have this bubbling volcanic magma inside of me that’s about to erupt and it never does. I mean, it does in spurts, but not enough where I actually feel better inside.
I just think about how much I want to be away from people. Isolation. It’s not healthy. But I allow myself to isolate whenever I feel this way. It’s like I don’t have the strength to handle negativity and stress. I just don’t want to feel stress. All I want is to have a peaceful mind. All I want is to be happy. Just me. Happy.
I used to put other people first but now that I’m not happy, I need to focus more on making my own self happy.
I used to cry about things like this. It still hurts the same amount, each time this happens… I still feel awful inside. But… for some reason I can’t bring myself to cry about it. My chest hurts and I feel sad. But I’m just so tired that I don’t want to care anymore. And sometimes it honestly feels like I don’t.
I just don’t really bother dealing with it… I used to think about how much my reactions would affect you… Now I don’t. When I isolate, even from you, if it makes me feel better emotionally and mentally, then that’s what I will do. No regrets. At least this way my mind won’t feel as crazy. At least I won’t feel like shit. I can make myself feel better.
I know it probably makes you upset when I act this way. Or react the way I do when you’re in that state. I used to be worried about how upset you’d feel. But now I’m honestly glad that I make those decisions to stay away from you for a little bit. It makes me feel more at peace being at home alone… Knowing I don’t have to stress about the situation being around you.
How did this turn into a personal letter?
I hope these feelings will go away over some food and sleep tonight. Food and sleep usually fixes everything.